I read a post by a friend of mine. I knew she'd been ill, but not that ill. I'm glad she's doing better, and hope that will continue. It got me thinking, okay, yeah, it's all about me, of the times when my MS was a lot worse. Last week I had a flare, and haven't had one in about a year. I spent a lot of the week 1. eating too much because my body knew something was wrong and so of course my brain said, "here, food will fix it." 2. having 2 or 3 irrational crying times that made my husband wonder about my ability to carry on logical conversations. 3. Had to go to the doctor because some old, worrysome symptoms popped up. 3. Felt so tired that it made me really grateful that I don't feel those old feelings so much anymore. Here's the essence of what I wrote on my friend's blog, with some extra details.
"I'm not glad for what you've been through. I have MS and although never bedridden, I wanted to cry when my daughter would come to my bed and say, "Mommy, that was a really long nap," realizing she'd been alone and watching TV all afternoon. Messy house, always tired, not there for field trips, couldn't volunteer at school, missed appointments and lessons, had to hire help. There were times I joked that my husband really ought to 'trade me in for a working model.' I, too, had a medication change (several years ago) and now I'm usually so close to normal I almost forget what that was like. Last week I felt a bit like I used to. That wake-up reminded me to appreciate the good days instead of squeezing all the life out with worry and doing too much.
[Friend's name] you have a great purpose. I know you, although not as well as I'd like, but enough to know you're amazing. Your beautiful writing has tons to say, and so do you."
When I get down on myself for all I can't do, the writing that trickles out instead of the steady flow of hours-worth of words I want, walk past the little things that always seem to clutter my countertops and floor, I sometimes want to stop trying. I told my friend she's worth it. I need to take my own advice.
And I'm very grateful that I'm starting to feel better this week. Still eating too much chocolate, and black licorice, and more chocolate. I've been trying to cut down on those. Time to spend less time eating, more on feeling grateful, more on writing.